You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
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