sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
