This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.�
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
