I love black thongs
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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