Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
Randomize
