I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
