So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
