you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
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