i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
