Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
