the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
