At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
