I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
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