remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
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