Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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