I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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