I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
