walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
and she was petting her beer can
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
