Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
