one word: firstdatebathroomanal
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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