She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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