I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
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