Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
