I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Randomize
