I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
