I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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