Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Randomize
