I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
