Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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