This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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