I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
