haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
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