apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
