I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
