Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Randomize
