shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Randomize
