well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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