my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
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