Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
