This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
