They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Randomize
