beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
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