You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
I just found puke in my bra..
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
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