My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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