Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
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