I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Randomize
