Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
