I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Randomize
