I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
