my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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